Eggplant

 

 Sex, Lies, and DIBELS: A Guidebook to National Standards

 

Part 1  Fun Facts about Standardistos 

Historical Signposts

  • The Meek

The Old Testament contains 63 references to Standards, the most cited being, “The meek shall inherit the Earth—after the Standardistos are through with it.”

  • Carrying Embers

The concept of “Standard of the Day” was invented by Tasmanian Aborigines looking for a way to carry embers from camp to camp for cooking during the middle Palaeolithic era. This did not save them from genocide.

  • Not Certified

After bringing the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai, Moses kept mum about the fact they had not been certified  “scientific” and “rigorous” by a Standards commission.

  • Eye for an Eye

In addition to the frequently quoted Standard “an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth,”  the Hammurabi Code clearly warned “A Standard before breakfast makes Jack want to skip school.”

  • Asparagus

Darwin proved that since an asparagus seed can float for 85 continuous days and an ocean current moves roughly 38 miles a day, that means an asparagus can sail 3,230 miles across the sea, and still germinate. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos  is working on what this means for 4th graders.

  • Will Rogers

Although it is true that Will Rogers said, “I never met a Standard I didn’t like,” he hadn’t seen the California 7th grade history standards.

  • Sigmund Freud

The Library of Congress, holder of the Sigmund Freud Archives, offered a “No comment” response to rumors of discovery of a letter from Freud to the education editorial writer at the New York Times. “The fact that you are at all concerned with National Standards reveals your underlying insecurity as a regular guy and your dreams of having sex with 12-year-olds.”

  • Star Spangled Banner

Until 1904, when President Teddy Roosevelt negotiated for the U.S. to take control of the construction of the Panama Canal,  the last three lines of the first stanza of “The Star Spangled Banner” were:

Gave proof through the night that our rules were still there.
O! say do our  Performance Standards yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Roosevelt was instrumental in getting the new lyrics introduced  at the Louisiana Purchase Exposition, informally known as the Saint Louis World’s Fair.

  • Shipwrecks of Note

Ulu Burun….1316BC…copper ingots and pottery found in wreckage

White Ship……….1120………….King Henry I’s son lost, causing crisis of succession

Mary Rose……….1545……………………….sunk during battle with the French

Atocha………….1622………sank off Florida; $400 million in silver and coins found

Lady of the Lake…..1833………….struck iceberg sailing England to Quebec; 215 lost

Sultana………….1865………..boiler exploded on Mississippi steamboat; 1,547 died

Yongala………….1911……….hit by a cyclone; racehorse and prize bull among dead

Titanic………….1912…………………..largest passenger steamship in the world, collided with iceberg on maiden voyage, killing 1,517

DIBELS ……..2002- -……………………….Federal test mandated by NCLB millions of K-3 children maimed by a corrupt and overweening ship of state

  • It Used to Be. . .

It used to be  British Honduras, but now it’s Belize.

It used to be Upper Peru, but now it’s Bolivia.

It used to be Abyssinia, but now it’s Ethiopia.

It used to be the Sandwich Islands, but now it’s Hawaii.

It used to be Persia, but now it’s Iran.

It used to be Mesopotamia, but now it’s Iraq.

It used to be Burma, but now it’s Myanmar.

It used to be Siam, but now it’s Thailand.

It used to be Kindergarten, but now it’s DIBELStan.

Psycho-Socio-Cultural Ramifications

  • Studies reveal. . .

The average male thinks about Standards six times every decade and a half.

  • Half a glass

If you see a glass as half full, you’re an optimist. If you get quoted by the New York Times for proving it is in critical danger of being empty, you’re a Standardisto.

  • Stolen books

The book most commonly stolen from libraries is Death and Dismemberment of a Standardisto.

  • Enough’s enough.

The National Endowment for the Humanities has commissioned a study, “How to live on $42 and 78 Standards a day.”

  • Eskimos

There is no Eskimo word for National Standards.

  • Hot dogs

When National Standards in mathematics are fully implemented, foot-long hot dogs will be illegal.

  • Cry for punctuation Standards

Holding up a suicide note from a 15-year-old girl, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos said she was “crying out for help in punctuation and spelling.” DeVos continued, “I look at this note and know why National Standards and a National Test must be our number one priority. Imagine the shock of  parents  to find such a note with misplaced modifiers, split infinitives, and even lack of agreement between subject and verb.” DeVos announced that as part of  the U. S. Department of Education’s $4.35 billion “Race to the Top” stimulus fund, every teenager in America will receive The Chicago Manual of Style (14th edition).

  • Standardium

Standardium entered the Periodic Table as Element 268, a new theoretical model to explain the chemical behavior of 14-year-olds.

  • Working Oxen

National Standards will wipe out the Biblical prohibition of working oxen on the 7th day.  The U. S. Department of Education wants U. S. schoolchildren to show evidence of rigor and  go to school every day.

  • Males

The latest New York Times/CBS News poll showed that 63% of Florida high school males think “showing a girl a good time” means letting her take a peek at the questions on the high-stakes graduation tests.

  • Prenuptial agreement

That same New York Times/CBS News poll showed that  82% of all prenuptial agreements signed after the institution of NCLB specify minimum standardized test scores.

  • Public School dangers

Here’s why you shouldn’t send your kids to public school:

**An astonishing 89% of our nation’s school-age children who are obese attend public schools.

**A whopping 94% of all urban crimes are committed within a 7 mile radius of a public school.

**At least 83% of all convicted felons below the age of 100 were at one time enrolled in a public school.

**In primitive tribal societies that have no public schools, there is an amazingly low incidence of cancer

  • GOOF

Gustatory Ordered Operational Feasibility (GOOF), cutting-edge, 21st Century research funded by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and implemented in the Chicago Public School System, will get top billing from Secretary of Education Betsy Devos’s staffers. GOOF brings science-on-the- cusp phenomenology to every schoolchild in the land. This scientific breakthrough reveals that the scientific knowledge base for closing the skills gap converges on five “big ideas” in early skills development of the gustatory learner: Aroma, Delicacy, Relish, Texture, and Variety

The NCTE/IRA/Culinary Institute position statement defines the role of the gustatory coach; describes what a gustatory coach should know and be able to do; and provides prescriptions for policymakers, school administrators, gustatory specialists, gustatory coaches, classroom teachers, and resident goat herders.

  • Bridal registry

Kaplin, Inc. now offers bridal registry gift options. Their promo suggests, “Easily share your lists with friends and family.  Add your lists to your own homepage or blog.” All registrants receive a complimentary wedding album with pages for retest results.

  • Vows

After exchanging vows in the basement archives of discarded test questions at a CTB/McGraw Hill warehouse in Peoria, Judee McLean and Rob Richman, who met while correcting  the WASL, journeyed to the Honeymoon Suite at Harcourt Assessment and participated in National Standards Incident First Responders Bootcamp: DOE 380, 652, and 972 Levels.

  • I always wanted to. . .

CHICAGO (Chicago Tribune) – A 25-year-old Evanston man said he “wanted to be on the news” just before crashing his mini-van into a downtown Chicago TV studio during a live newscast, a prosecutor told a Cook County judge Tuesday.Chicago Tribune

  • “I always wanted to teach kindergarten,” Betsy DeVos told a friend just before crashing her Humvee into a Holland, Michigan private school during Show-and-Tell.
  • “I always wanted to witness the wonder of the Reading First scientific curriculum with first graders,” Rep. told a friend just before crashing his motorcycle, while riding without a helmet, into a Bakersfield elementary school.
  • “I always wanted to tell 7th graders about the importance of education,” Rudy Guiliani told a friend just before crashing his limousine into the Manhattan Middle School for Scientific Inquiry.
  • “I always wanted to write poetry,” Joe Biden told a friend just before crashing his plane into the Pennsylvania Writing Project at the University of Pennsylvania.
  • People’s Choice

In  April, 2009, Congress voted to give the head of the National Standards Commission veto power over the People’s Choice Awards.

  • Humpback Whales

On his listening tour, Betsy DeVos pointed to the efficacy of federal testing, citing the case of the two humpback whales  who took a wrong turn and swam 90 miles from the Pacific Ocean up the Sacramento-San Joaquin River Delta.  150 kindergartners  were bused  to the river bank to shout a DIBELS test in unison:

*y i z *w a n *z o c *f u l *m i k
*z u m *n u f *k u n *r u v *f o d
*v e p *i j *op *j u j *s u g

The whales  sharply reversed direction and began swimming away from the clamorous sound and toward the Pacific Ocean. “This is federal testing at its best,” said DeVps.

  • ETS Time Share

The governing board of Educational Testing Service has announced the availability of time share options at its test development center. Share options are divided into week long increments, with units being sold as fixed, floating, or rotating weeks. Vacation clubs and points programs are available.  One-to three-bedroom suites, single-unit housing, and detached housing are available. Yurts and geodesic domes require premium. Annual maintenance fees apply.

  • Silly Putty

Due to a Standards crisis, Silly Putty is 16% less silly than it was in 1951.

  • Firmer Thighs

You can already get whiter teeth, firmer thighs, stomach reduction, and  knee replacements; now, with National Standards, you can get a job in India.

 

Homeland Security Teacher Threat Advisory X80b

Print[i], using a #2 pencil.  Submit copies to:

  • US Department of Education
  • Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation
  • National Governors Association Center for Best Practices
  • Editorial Department New York Times
  • ALEC
  • National Rifle Association

Name
Last _______________
First _______________
Middle ____________
Alias _______________

Sex
___M
___F
___Other
___Not Lately

I. Filing status
a) Underachiever
b) Overachiever
c) Mainstreamed
d) Up the creek

II.  Career rung[ii]

  • Highly Qualified
  • Highly Strung
  • High on the Hog
  • High as a Kite
  • With Friends in High Places
  • On High Horse
  • Stinking to High Heaven
  • High Flyer
  • High
  • Left High and Dry

 III. Moving Violations Are Issued to Anyone Absent From:[iii] [iv]

  • Before School Test Prep
  • During School Test Prep
  • Lunch Duty Test Prep
  • After School Test Prep
  • Homework Test Prep
  • Saturday and nonreligious holiday Test Prep

  IV. Favorite Food Choice in Cafeteria

  • Freedom fries
  • Catsup as a vegetable
  • Pizza as a vegetable
  • Cauliflower as steak

 V. Professionalism, Pedagogy, and Other Poop Declarations

Select the profundity most closely resembling your teaching philosophy:

  • Keep the pedal to the metal
  • If first they don’t succeed, test them more often.
  • All work and no play makes Jack the perfect corporate drone.
  • A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
  • Don’t try to teach your grandmother to suck eggs.
  • The road to hell is paved by the same opportunists who wrote the Common Core Standards and their cousins who designed Facebook.
  • Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never trust your class to a Standardisto with A Plan.
  • A hug is worth a thousand mission statements.
  • Governments lie
  • You can’t write no music for a fife. You can’t print it. You got to do it.[v]

VI. How often did you DIBELS in public in 2018?[vi] [vii]

VII. Professional Development Contribution Checkoff

  • Betsy DeVos Grizzly Protection Fund
  • Thomas Friedman Hot Air Fund
  • Business Roundtable Sunshine Fund
  • Education Commission of the States Corporate Award whoopee cushion
  • National Alliance to Provide Safe Haven for Third Graders
  • Teacher Witness Protection Program[viii]

     VIII. Why did the chicken cross the road?
a) The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation  appointed a commission informing the chicken that crossing the road was a necessary competency for competing in the 21st century global economy.

b) The chicken’s native habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked corporate greed, breaking the Kyoto Accord, which the
U. S. refuses to sign.

c) To get away from DIBELS.

d)  Focusing on the chicken crossing reveals an unwillingness to face the challenges posed by our racist, bigoted, sexist global warming society.

IX. Zero Tolerance Declaration. Check all that apply.

          I duly swear, affirm, and genuflect before:

  • Business as usual
  • Taking care of business
  • Monkey Business
  • Minding my own business

________________________
Signature
_________________________ witness[ix]

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos Sweepstakes:

Enter your lucky 29-digit number here:________________ Your name will be automatically entered in the Betsy DeVos Sweepstakes.

Prize to determine at the next joint meeting of the National Alliance of Public Charter Schools and the Family Research Council.

Data Warehousing Truth in Lending[x] Declaration: From time to time the U. S. government will choose to share your personal information with campaign contributors who have a need to know, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Please sign here__________________ Custodian’s signature____________
(use cursive)

[i] No cursive.

[ii] Please attach Copy B of your lesson plans, bulletin board objectives, class picture. If you don’t have Copy B, why not?

[iii] (4) Attach Form 4216783, part B

[iv]  Anyone requesting absence from Recess Duty will be subject to an internal investigation from the U. S. Department of Education-ALEC Joint Commission on Making Sure Kids Don’t Slack Off.

[v]  Othar Turner said this in The New York Times, 11/08/01, and they print only the news that’s fit to print.

[vi] Information requested by Preventive Health Services Administration, Bureau of Epidemiology and Disease Control.

[vii] DIBELS Safe Network protects your most valuable assets. Does a registered DIBELS offender live next door? For $19.95 get access to information on access to information on more than 163,042 persons required to register in California as DIBELS offenders.

[viii] Subject to the Teacher Witness Protection Act, the Commissioner may determine whether a witness should be admitted to the Program and the type of protection to be provided to any protectee in the Program, subsequent to the approval of the Education Trust Board of Directors, Bill Gates, and the Mar-a-Lago waitstaff.

[ix] Have declaration witnessed, attested, affirmed, certified, and vouched for by a member of the Cour internationale de Justice.

[x] Title 15, Chapter 41, subchapter 1, part E