Eggplant

 

Notice: The Eggplant is 2nd cousin to its more public relative The Onion, containing info you’ll find nowhere else. It contains no gluten, peanuts, or phonics imperatives.

Scientific Reading Draws Inspiration from Scientific Whaling

Shimonoseki, Japan — A defiant Japan embarked on its largest whaling expedition in decades, targeting protected humpbacks for the first time since the 1960s despite international opposition. A brass band played “Popeye the Sailor Man” and whaling officials told the crowd that Japan should preserve its whale-eating culture and not give into militant activists.

The whalers plan to kill up to 50 humpbacks in what is believed to be the first large-scale hunt since a 1963 moratorium put the giant marine mammals under international protection. A spokesman for Japan’s Fisheries Agency stressed that this is a “scientific” whale hunt. Researchers do DNA sampling and measurements of whales which include earbone size, age, and most importantly, contents of the digestive tract.

Secretary of Education–what’s his name– greeted reading scientists at the office of Fox News to discuss the science of the matter, noting the Administration’s determination “to reach viewers who really care about such things.”

Reading scientists operating under a special U. S. Department of Education grant and on loan to the U. S. Department of Agriculture will examine the digestive tracts of children inducted into direct instruction phonics programs at 3 years of age compared with the digestive tracts of children who did not receive the benefits of phonics immersion until kindergarten.

The United States Army Field Band and Soldiers’ Chorus performed “Don’t Cry for me Argentina” to launch this scientific endeavor. Michael J. Petrilli, President, Thomas B. Fordham Institute [funded by the American Federation for Children, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, Bloomberg Philanthropies, Carnegie Foundation of New York…and lots of other saps) and David Coleman, CEO of the College Board [nobody seems to be sending them money these days] applauded the exciting new project, telling the crowd that the U. S. government must preserve its child-devouring precepts and not give in to Whole Language or Balanced Literacy activism.

Coleman, Petrilli, and U. S. State Education Department officials emphasized that no children will be sacrificed in this first large-scale examination of the phonics influence on the digestive tract, pointing to critical research: “Reading scientists at the Yale Department of Pediatrics assure us this is safe. And scientific. And needed.”

Bill Gates could not be reached for comment.

Press Release: U.S. Department of Agriculture

Science When You Need It:

Press Release:

The U. S. Department of Education, in close cooperation with UPNow Inc.® (Formerly Trump Super Solutions USA), is pleased to announce a groundbreaking new Technical Report, PHONEMIC AWARENESS: Signs, Omens, and Predictors by reading scientists and trainers at UPNow, Universal Phonics NOW, an education company dedicated to supporting phonological success for individual children and for schools.

In his preface to the Technical Report, former Presidential Senior Advisor Jared Kushner (haven’t you been wondering what he’s doing now?) states, “In their ongoing effort to assess student development of phonological awareness, alphabetic understanding, and automaticity and fluency with The Code, scholars committed to the Science of Reading are constantly looking for convenient and easy assessment devices. I speak for the entire nation when I express my gratitude to these scientists who have come up with valuable indicators for the reading success so important in our Global Economy.”

To aid in the early identification of students who are not progressing as expected in their mastery of phonological awareness, each new measure contained in UPNow Benchmark Stability Success has been thoroughly researched and demonstrated to be a reliable and valid indicator of early literacy development and predictive of later reading proficiency .

FOUR Hallmarks of Phonics Performance:

  • To be born during an eclipse portends a Deficiency in Nonsense Word Fluency;
  • A kindergartner’s sudden loss of hair is a sign of resistance to blending and splitting syllable mastery;
  • Sneezing three times before breakfast indicates a child’s lack of consonant convergence and requires immediate remediation in Scientific Synthetic Phonics;
  • When a child throws a lump of sugar into a cup of coffee or tea, the number of bubbles that rise indicates readiness to hold a dictionary, which must be facilitated immediately. 

Serving in his capacity of Ambassador for Up for Children, President of Trump Winery, Eric Trump will read the report aloud at a breakfast ceremony at the Trump Winery, Charlottesville, Virginia, where, when it comes to creating experiences that engage and excite, Trump Winery stands out as the premier location. Getting people to be more creative starts with providing a more creative environment and this nearly 1,300 acre estate with well-appointed board rooms, helicopter landing pad, and all the amenities you’ve come to expect is the perfect choice for an important meeting, retreat, or corporate function. From big ideas to small details, Trump Winery can help deliver an inspiring and productive program that generates results for years to come. Contact Trump Winery to book admission to this exciting event.

Press Release: U. S. Department of Agriculture, UPNow, Inc.® & Trump Winery, LLC

To aid in the early identification of students who are not progressing as expected in their mastery of phonological awareness, each new measure contained in UPNow Benchmark Stability Success has been thoroughly researched and demonstrated to be a reliable and valid indicator of early literacy development and predictive of later reading proficiency .

  • To be born during an eclipse portends a Deficiency in Nonsense Word Fluency;
  • A kindergartner’s sudden loss of hair is a sign of resistance to blending and splitting syllable mastery;
  • Sneezing three times before breakfast indicates a child’s consonant terror and requires immediate remediation in Scientific Synthetic Phonics;
  • When a child throws a lump of sugar into a cup of coffee or tea, the number of bubbles that rise indicates readiness to hold a dictionary, which must be facilitated immediately. 

Serving in his capacity of Ambassador for Up for Children, President of Trump Winery, Eric Trump will read the report aloud at a breakfast ceremony at the Trump Winery, Charlottesville, Virginia, where, when it comes to creating experiences that engage and excite, Trump Winery stands out as the premier location. Getting people to be more creative starts with providing a more creative environment and this nearly 1,300 acre estate with well-appointed board rooms, helicopter landing pad, and all the amenities you’ve come to expect is the perfect choice for an important meeting, retreat, or corporate function. From big ideas to small details, Trump Winery can help deliver an inspiring and productive program that generates results for years to come. Contact Trump Winery to book admission to this exciting event.

Press Release: U. S. Department of Agriculture, UPNow, Inc.® & Trump Winery. LLC

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

Timely Horoscopes for Teachers

Virgo: Aug 23 – Sept 22
They say there’s nothing nice about being a control freak but that depends on who’s in charge. Seize the day. Or maybe lose your head. Louis XIV was a Virgo.

Virgos are known for missing the forest for the trees, which is why Brent Staples, Virgo editorial writer for the New York Times, will score for corporate America every time.

Standardisto addendum: Invite political candidates who want a donation to join you in a SAT reunion party. All guests will take the test, with results posted in the local newspaper.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
Just when things seem to be going your way, you’ll get an invitation to meet with a group of teachers in Fresno. Gene Autry, Grouch Marx, Chubby Checker, and Mahatma Gandhi were Libras. Call on their spirits for help.
Standardisto addendum: As the Moon in your sign joins restraining Saturn, do not waver in the vision provided by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, The Broad Education Foundation, NEA headquarters, The Thomas Fordham Institute, and the Business Roundtable. Down with recess! Up with more test prep!

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
Arne Duncan is a Scorpio. Most habitual criminals, ad agency chiefs, and psychometricians, are Scorpios. So is Bill Gates. So is Al Sharpton.

Nobody recognizes the importance of Harvard connections as well you do, except maybe for those people who keep sending e-mail offers from Nigeria. Scorpios mistake jingoism for pedagogy and don’t hesitate to make pronouncements on topics they know nothing about. An unacknowledged fact is that Scorpios have figured out a way to score standardized tests in the shower. This is the subject of a new reality TV show coming in the Fall.

Standardisto addendum: With the Moon-Saturn conjunction in your 11th House of Groups, today is for teamwork. Assemble your team and tell them what to do. Carry a big stick.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
Most people found cheating on standardized tests are Sagittariusi. Not surprisingly, most politicos are also Sagittariusi. The stars foresee a great deal of wealth and success in your future–when you leave government and go to work for the College Board crew. Werner Heisenberg was a Sagittarius and he said something anybody hoping for Race to the Top to succeed had better hide, “What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning.”

Standardisto addendum: The stars are aligned to make purchase of stock in a #2 pencil factory favorable.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
Like Betsy Devos and Michel de Nostradomus, a Capricorn, looked to the stars to predict the job skills needed by youth in the 21st century. Writing in 1555, among his 6,338 prophecies, Nostradomus predicted the ascendancy of Race to the Top. He also predicted Velveeta cheese product. Remember the golden rule of government service: The right connections mean the difference between success and failure. Keep Bill Gates’ phone number handy.
Standardisto addendum: Be assertive today. Despite rumors that are circulating, teachers in the faculty room aren’t really armed.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
Be warned: The Mars factor means you are likely to say too much. You like projecting yourself as the trendsetter for the future, but eventually people, even the press, do catch on and stop confusing innovation with lying. Dick Cheney is an Aquarius. When teachers get unruly, remember that he knows a thing or two about keeping people in line.
Standardisto addendum: Remember who you carry water for. Hold fast to your belief that there are no life questions that data collection cannot solve.

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
Don’t proclaim your love of the stars if the only constellation you can find is the big dipper. Friends can come and go, but financial opportunities are ready for those who embrace standardized testing. Dr. Seuss was a Pisces. Forget him. Not enough phonics.
Standardisto addendum: The stars indicate this is a good week to squash your enemies.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
Once the children stop crying, you’ll be given a chance to explain your side of the story. But remember, Aries usually does the wrong thing on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so maybe you’d better shut up. Keep those horns to yourself. Marcel Marceau, an Aries, had the right idea: Mum’s the word.
Standardisto addendum: The stars indicate that this is a good week to assert yourself. Don’t worry about ruffling a few feathers. They are only teachers.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
You’ve figured out it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know why the teachers are angry. So try asking 1,042 brain surgeons. Just because you love conflict doesn’t mean you need an open bolt, blowback-operated submachine gun. Dr. Benjamin Spock was a Taurus. A dangerous radical, he told parents, “You know more than you think you do.’ At all costs, keep this under wraps. Your career depends upon silence here.
Standardisto addendum: Although the Moon is now in your 2nd house of DIBELS, don’t be petty enough to battle over small matters like recess. Just put your foot down and show them who’s boss.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
As Mercury, your ruling planet, turns retrograde, remember, you are brooding entrepreneurship incarnate, ready for a fight. Competition is thy name. For those difficult days, keep fellow Gemini Eli Broad’s phone number handy. And remember to practice saying “pedagogical” so you get it right on the first try at the next media event.

Standardisto addendum: A string of glorious planetary aspects suggest that your hard work will pay off and you will gain a personal interview with Betsy Devos.

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
So Cancers aren’t risk takers. Don’t feel bad that you’re just perfecting your resume for law school. All of your Teach for America training will come in handy this week when the 7th graders start a slam book. Although your stars are in ascendancy, maybe you should reconsider putting your “Harvard Taught Me to Love the Underprivileged” Power Point online until after you’ve been in the classroom for 90 days.
Standardisto addendum: You are sure to have all the facts today, so don’t hesitate about any brainstorm that pops up. Go for it!

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
Admittedly, trying to navigate your way by intellect will be difficult, but the first step is to try kissing the mirror less often. Arnold Schwarzennegger’s a Leo. So were Dolores Del Rio, Milton Friedman, and Jerry Garcia. Try reading a year’s worth of NY Times op eds on education for proof that you don’t need to know anything about teaching to make pronouncements.

Standardisto addendum: Check the U. S. Department of Education website for immediate inspiration and resolve. If that falls short of your expectations, try the Greater Peoria Sanitary District .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Timely Acronyms


This week, ACE, the Acronym Collaborative Ensemble, a group of 7,852 representatives from organizations who hope to find favor with the DeVos regime, presented its recommendations for identifying the various consistent and clear initiatives left over from their Gates Foundation funding and their positions of influence with Arne Duncan–so teachers and parents know what they need to do to help students learn to be productive workers in the Global Economy. 

This initiative has been approved by the Council of Chief State School Officers (CCSSO), the National Governors Association Center for Best Practice, and Ivanka Trump. It awaits confirmation from the Department of Homeland Security and the World Bank. 

ADAPT Auxiliary Daily Achievement Pre-K Triggerpoint
AMMO Amortized Measurement Mandate Ordinance
BURP Benchmarked Uninterrupted Rubrics Payload
BUZZ Blue-ribbon Upperclass Zealotry Zone
COBRA Curriculum Optimum Battery Ranking Assignment
CRISIS Cutting-edge Ritual Identity Septic Iteration System
DIVE DeVos Information-age Victims Execution
DRIVE Data Rubric Installation Virus Ergonomics
EPIC Evaluation Protective Interface Critique
EVIL Efficient Visualization Industrial Leverage
FILTH Formative Indentured Lost Teacher Hospice
FLAB Failsafe Liberation Achievement Benchmarks
GATES Godawful Arachibutyrophobia Target Eminence Suite

GROSS Global Rat-race Operative Size Survey
HURT Hegemonic Utilization Ruling Trajectory
ICK Imperial Checklist Kinetics
ILL Instrumental Litter Longitude
JOKE Jumpstart Operative Knee-jerk Eugenics
KAPUT Kill-zone Analytic Pyramid UHF Triad
KILL Knowledge-systems Intensity Left-brain Loopholes
LAME Literature Alignment Market-forces Enemies-list
LOST Leftover Operational Selective Team

MARCH Management Arc Rejuvenation of Hubris

MOB Mathematics Operational Blowback

NAH! National Assessment Humbug

NUTS Needs-driven Urban Testing Suite
OOPS Oscillating Optimal Publisher Scam
ONUS Out-turn Network Uptake Schema
PUKE Prescribed Upswing of Knuckle-under Evaluations
PUSH Pinpointing Universal Stakeholder Heuristics
QUAFF Quantitative Utilization of Assessment Freefall Fractals
QUIT Quadratic Upswing of Incessant Testing
ROT Ruling-Class Overthrow of Teachers
RUDE Rubrics-based Utilization of Detritus Equity
SAPP Sequential Assessment Protection Program
SOT Soluble Operationalized Testing
TIRED Taxonomic Impact Requisite Evaluation Download
TOXIC Testing Overview X-spot Information Collusion
UGLY Universal Game-plan Leveraged Yield
USED Urban Species Evaluation Dexterity
VIRUS Vector-borne Investment Reassignment Utility Setup
VICTIM Virtual Inert Consignment Taskforce Input Multiplex
WEARY Workplace Ergonomic Assessment Review Yield
WOE World-class Overview Efficiency
YAP Yearlong Assessment Paradigm
YAWN Year-end Assessment Whiplash Nodule
ZAP Zig-zag Assessment Pyramid
ZERO Zombie Evaluaton Routine Organizer

Gates Foundation announces drone-driven teacher evaluation

[Editor’s note. ‘The Eggplant’ is a third cousin to its more famous public relative, The Onion. Readers who want more information along these lines — and other recent reports from The Eggplant–see that page on this site.

“This time we’ve got it right,” President Obama told a special meeting of his newly created educational task force, to discuss the drone deployment program component of Race To The Top. Following the successful introduction of military drones to murder people in Asia on behalf of the ever-shifting U.S. “mission” articulated, re-articulated, and re-re-articulated by President Barack Obama, government insiders, in cooperation with the Gates Foundation and other school reform supporters, will be announcing a unique public-private partnership to provide drone-driven assessments to identify failing teachers and underperforming classrooms. The program is expected to replace “data driven management,” which replaced “turnaround,” which replaced “small schools,” which replaced “reengineering,” which replaced “reconstitution” during the day when Obama was an Illinois politician based in Chicago and supporting corporate “school reform.”

Seattle — The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation today announced a significant partnership with the American Federation of Teachers and the Thomas B. Fordham Institute to ensure a highly qualified teacher in every classroom. The disbursal of $148 million in grants will help hundreds of thousands of teachers significantly increase their day-to-day outputs so they can ensure that tomorrow’s workers have the necessary skills to compete in the global economy.

According to a press release issued by the Gates Foundation, the AFT and the Thomas B. Fordham Institute, these three have entered a ground-breaking partnership to evaluate teachers utilizing the drone technology that has revolutionized warfare in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan. A bird-size device floats up to 400 feet above a classroom and instantly beams live video of teachers in action to agents at desks at Teacher Quality Inspection Stations established by the AFT and the Thomas B. Fordham Institute.

When asked if the drones were authorized to drop bombs on teachers who exhibit inadequacy, Chester E. Finn, Jr., president of the Thomas B. Fordham Foundation, replied, “Don’t be ridiculous. Gates money puts other methods at our disposal.”

Military and civilian engineers funded by a joint grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security are preparing miniaturized Predator Drones for deployment in the classrooms of underperforming U.S. schools, most specifically to seek and deal with underperforming urban teachers. Randi Weingarten, president of the 1.5-million-member American Federation of Teachers, said the powerful union has signed on to the drone project because it is “In keeping with our mission of improving the quality of the services we provide.”

Weingarten noted that the unmanned aircraft currently patrol the border with Mexico, flying into hurricanes to collect weather data and photograph traffic accident scenes. She said that once the invisible eyes become routine, they’ll help teachers improve the delivery of their craft.

A spokesman for the Thomas B. Fordham Institute noted that Gates funds will allow sophisticated robotics to use artificial intelligence to seek out and record teachers’ delivery of Common Core standards-based instruction. “These are a valuable tool in ensuring a global economy-competitive workforce.”

Finn, Jr., emphasized, “As we asked in our [Gates funded] seminal report–Now What? Imperatives & Options for Common Core Implementation & Governance–“Do we entrust “implementation” of the Common Core entirely to individual states, districts, and the marketplace?. . . Do we create a powerful interstate body to ensure that the new standards are implemented in actual classrooms and real lesson plans in schools across the country?”

Prototype miniature data driven drones are now being tested in California and Nevada prior to deployment to schools in Detroit, Chicago, Baltimore, and Los Angeles under the new program from the U.S.Department of Education. U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan told the press in a release issued by the department that the mini-drones had been tested and proven in Turnaround school in Chicago during the fall semester of the 2011 – 2012 school year thanks to unique time dimensional software provided by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and Microsoft Corporation.

Vicki Phillips, Gates education director, noted “We at Gates are going to be relentless about acquiring quality data and the need to focus on evidence-based decision making. And we will go where the evidence takes us.”

Melinda French Gates added, “Evidence gives you argument for action. When you have it you know what works and what doesn’t.”

A Gates source not wishing to be identified acknowledged that drone technology will put the needed teeth into the Common Core Standards. “No one can hide from us,” she said.