Notice: The Eggplant is 2nd cousin to The Onion, containing info you’ll find nowhere else.
Sex, Lies, and DIBELS: A Guide to National Standards
Fun Facts about Standardistos
- Carrying Embers
The concept of “Standard of the Day” was invented by Tasmanian Aborigines looking for a way to carry embers from camp to camp for cooking during the middle Palaeolithic era. This did not save them from genocide.
- Not Certified
After bringing the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai, Moses kept mum about the fact they had not been certified “scientific” and “rigorous” by a Standards commission.
- Eye for an Eye
In addition to the frequently quoted Standard “an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth,” the Hammurabi Code clearly warned “A Standard before lunch makes Jack want to skip school.”
Darwin proved that since an asparagus seed can float for 85 continuous days and an ocean current moves roughly 38 miles a day, that means an asparagus can sail 3,230 miles across the sea, and still germinate. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is working on what this means for 4th graders.
- Sigmund Freud
The Library of Congress, holder of the Sigmund Freud Archives, offered a “No comment” response to rumors of discovery of a letter from Freud to the education editorial writer at the New York Times. “The fact that you are at all concerned with National Standards reveals your underlying insecurity as a regular guy and your dreams of having sex with 12-year-olds.”
- Shipwrecks of Note
Ulu Burun……1316BC……copper ingots and pottery found in wreckage
White Ship……….1120………….King Henry I’s son lost, causing crisis of succession
Mary Rose……….1545……………………….sunk during battle with the French
Atocha………….1622………sank off Florida; $400 million in silver and coins found
Lady of the Lake…..1833………….struck iceberg sailing England to Quebec; 215 lost
Sultana………….1865………..boiler exploded on Mississippi steamboat; 1,547 died
Yongala………….1911……….hit by a cyclone; racehorse and prize bull among dead
Titanic………….1912…………………..largest passenger steamship in the world, collided with iceberg on maiden voyage, killing 1,517
DIBELS ……..2002- -_……………………….Federal test mandated by NCLB millions of K-3 children maimed by a corrupt and overweening ship of state
- It Used to Be. . .
It used to be British Honduras, but now it’s Belize.
It used to be Upper Peru, but now it’s Bolivia.
It used to be Abyssinia, but now it’s Ethiopia.
It used to be the Sandwich Islands, but now it’s Hawaii.
It used to be Persia, but now it’s Iran.
It used to be Mesopotamia, but now it’s Iraq.
It used to be Burma, but now it’s Myanmar.
It used to be Siam, but now it’s Thailand.
It used to be Kindergarten, but now it’s DIBELStan.
- What they’re thinking. . .
The average male thinks about Standards six times every decade and a half.
- Half a glass
If you see a glass as half full, you’re an optimist. If you get quoted by the New York Times for proving it is in critical danger of being empty, you’re a Standardisto.
- Stolen books
The book most commonly stolen from libraries is Death and Dismemberment of a Standardisto.
- Enough’s enough.
The National Endowment for the Humanities has commissioned a study, “How to live on $42 and 78 Standards a day.”
There is no Eskimo word for National Standards.
- Hot dogs
When National Standards in mathematics are fully implemented, foot-long hot dogs will be illegal.
- Cry for punctuation Standards
Holding up a suicide note from a 15-year-old girl, then-Secretary of Education Arne Duncan said she was “crying out for help in punctuation and spelling.” Duncan continued, “I look at this note and know why National Standards and a National Test must be our number one priority. Imagine the shock of parents to find such a note with misplaced modifiers, split infinitives, and even lack of agreement between subject and verb.” Duncan announced that as part of the U. S. Department of Education’s $4.35 billion “Race to the Top” stimulus fund, every teenager in America will receive The Chicago Manual of Style (14th edition).
Standardium entered the Periodic Table as Element 268, a new theoretical model to explain the chemical behavior of 14-year-olds.
- Working Oxen
National Standards will wipe out the Biblical prohibition of working oxen on the 7th day. The U. S. Department of Education wants U. S. schoolchildren to show evidence of rigor and go to school every day.
The latest New York Times/CBS News poll showed that 63% of Florida high school males think “showing a girl a good time” means letting her take a peek at the questions on the high-stakes graduation tests.
- Prenuptial agreement
That same New York Times/CBS News poll showed that 82% of all prenuptial agreements signed after the institution of NCLB specify minimum standardized test scores.
- Public School dangers
Here’s why you shouldn’t send your kids to public school:
**An astonishing 89% of our nation’s school-age children who are obese attend public schools.
**A whopping 94% of all urban crimes are committed within a 7 mile radius of a public school.
**At least 83% of all convicted felons below the age of 100 were at one time enrolled in a public school.
**In primitive tribal societies that have no public schools, there is an amazingly low incidence of cancer.
- Bridal registry
Kaplin, Inc. now offers bridal registry gift options. Their promo suggests, “Easily share your lists with friends and family. Add your lists to your own homepage or blog.” All registrants receive a complimentary wedding album with pages for retest results.
After exchanging vows in the basement archives of discarded test questions at a CTB/McGraw Hill warehouse in Peoria, Judee McLean and Rob Richman, who met while correcting the WASL, journeyed to the Honeymoon Suite at Harcourt Assessment and participated in National Standards Incident First Responders Bootcamp: DOE 380, 652, and 972 Levels.
- I always wanted to. . .
CHICAGO (Chicago Tribune) – A 25-year-old Evanston man said he “wanted to be on the news” just before crashing his mini-van into a downtown Chicago TV studio during a live newscast, a prosecutor told a Cook County judge Tuesday. –Chicago Tribune
- “I always wanted to teach kindergarten,” Betsy DeVos told a friend just before crashing her Humvee into a Holland, Michigan private school during Show-and-Tell.
- “I always wanted to witness the wonder of the Reading First scientific curriculum with first graders,” Rep. told a friend just before crashing his motorcycle, while riding without a helmet, into a Bakersfield elementary school.
- “I always wanted to tell 7th graders about the importance of education,” Rudy Guiliani told a friend just before crashing his limousine into the Manhattan Middle School for Scientific Inquiry.
- “I always wanted to write poetry,” Joe Biden told a friend just before crashing his plane into the Pennsylvania Writing Project at the University of Pennsylvania.
- People’s Choice
In April, 2009, Congress voted to give the head of the National Standards Commission veto power over the People’s Choice Awards.
- Humpback Whales
On her listening tour, Betsy DeVos pointed to the efficacy of federal testing, citing the case of the two humpback whales who took a wrong turn and swam 90 miles from the Pacific Ocean up the Sacramento-San Joaquin River Delta. 150 kindergartners were bused to the river bank to shout a DIBELS test in unison:
*y i z *w a n *z o c *f u l *m i k
*z u m *n u f *k u n *r u v *f o d
*v e p *i j *op *j u j *s u g
The whales sharply reversed direction and began swimming away from the clamorous sound and toward the Pacific Ocean. “This is federal testing at its best,” said DeVos.
- ETS Time Share
The governing board of Educational Testing Service has announced the availability of time share options at its test development center. Share options are divided into week long increments, with units being sold as fixed, floating, or rotating weeks. Vacation clubs and points programs are available. One-to three-bedroom suites, single-unit housing, and detached housing are available. Yurts and geodesic domes require premium. Annual maintenance fees apply.
- Silly Putty
Due to a Standards crisis, Silly Putty is 16% less silly than it was in 1951.
- Firmer Thighs
You can already get whiter teeth, firmer thighs, stomach reduction, and knee replacements; now, with National Standards, you can get a job in India.
Scientific Reading Draws Inspiration from Scientific Whaling
Shimonoseki, Japan — A defiant Japan embarked on its largest whaling expedition in decades, targeting protected humpbacks for the first time since the 1960s despite international opposition. A brass band played “Popeye the Sailor Man” and whaling officials told the crowd that Japan should preserve its whale-eating culture and not give into militant activists.
The whalers plan to kill up to 50 humpbacks in what is believed to be the first large-scale hunt since a 1963 moratorium put the giant marine mammals under international protection.
A spokesman for Japan’s Fisheries Agency stressed that this is a “scientific” whale hunt. Researchers do DNA sampling and measurements of whales which include earbone size, age, and most importantly, contents of the digestive tract.
Secretary of Education Betsy Devos greeted reading scientists at the office of Larry Berg, senior partner with Apollo Global Management and chairman of the Board of McGraw-Hill Education.
Reading scientists operating under a special U. S. Department of Education grant and on loan to McGraw-Hill will examine the digestive tracts of children inducted into direct instruction phonics programs at 3 years of age compared with the digestive tracts of children who did not receive the benefits of phonics immersion until kindergarten.
The United States Army Field Band and Soldiers’ Chorus performed “Don’t Cry for me Argentina” to launch this scientific endeavor. Michael J. Petrilli, President, Thomas B. Fordham Institute, and Stefanie Sanford, Chief of Policy, Advocacy, and Government Relations, College Board, applauded the exciting new project, telling the crowd that the U. S. government must preserve its child-devouring precepts and not give in to whole language activism.
McGraw-Hill and U. S. State Education Department officials emphasized that no children will be sacrificed in this first large-scale examination of the phonics influence on the digestive tract. Devos announced, “Reading scientists at the Yale Department of Pediatrics assure us this is safe. And scientific. And needed.”
Press Release: U.S. Department of Agriculture
Science When You Need It:
The U. S. Department of Education, in close cooperation with UPNow Inc. ® (Formerly Trump Solutions USA), is pleased to announce a groundbreaking new Technical Report, PHONEMIC AWARENESS: Signs, Omens, and Predictors by reading scientists and trainers at UPNow, Universal Phonics NOW, an education company dedicated to supporting phonological success for individual children and for schools.
In his preface to the Technical Report, Presidential Senior Advisor Jared Kushner states, “In their ongoing effort to assess student development of phonological awareness, alphabetic understanding, and automaticity and fluency with The Code, scholars committed to the Science of Reading are constantly looking for convenient and easy assessment devices. I speak for the entire nation when I express my gratitude to these scientists who have come up with valuable indicators for the reading success so important in our Global Economy.”
To aid in the early identification of students who are not progressing as expected in their mastery of phonological awareness, each new measure contained in UPNow Benchmark Stability Success has been thoroughly researched and demonstrated to be a reliable and valid indicator of early literacy development and predictive of later reading proficiency .
FOUR Hallmarks of Phonics Performance:
- To be born during an eclipse portends a Deficiency in Nonsense Word Fluency;
- A kindergartner’s sudden loss of hair is a sign of resistance to blending and splitting syllable mastery;
- Sneezing three times before breakfast indicates a child’s consonant terror and requires immediate remediation in Scientific Synthetic Phonics;
- When a child throws a lump of sugar into a cup of coffee or tea, the number of bubbles that rise indicates readiness to hold a dictionary, which must be facilitated immediately.
Serving in his capacity of Ambassador for Up for Children, President of Trump Winery, Eric Trump will read the report aloud at a breakfast ceremony at the Trump Winery, Charlottesville, Virginia, where, when it comes to creating experiences that engage and excite, Trump Winery stands out as the premier location. Getting people to be more creative starts with providing a more creative environment and this nearly 1,300 acre estate with well-appointed board rooms, helicopter landing pad, and all the amenities you’ve come to expect is the perfect choice for an important meeting, retreat, or corporate function. From big ideas to small details, Trump Winery can help deliver an inspiring and productive program that generates results for years to come. Contact Trump Winery to book admission to this exciting event.
Press Release: U. S. Department of Agriculture, UPNow, Inc.® & Trump Winery. LLC
Timely Horoscopes for Teachers
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sept 22
They say there’s nothing nice about being a control freak but that depends on who’s in charge. Seize the day. Or maybe lose your head. Louis XIV was a Virgo.
Virgos are known for missing the forest for the trees, which is why Brent Staples, Virgo editorial writer for the New York Times, will score for corporate America every time.
Standardisto addendum: Invite political candidates who want a donation to join you in a SAT reunion party. All guests will take the test, with results posted in the local newspaper.
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
Just when things seem to be going your way, you’ll get an invitation to meet with a group of teachers in Fresno. Gene Autry, Grouch Marx, Chubby Checker, and Mahatma Gandhi were Libras. Call on their spirits for help.
Standardisto addendum: As the Moon in your sign joins restraining Saturn, do not waver in the vision provided by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, The Broad Education Foundation, NEA headquarters, The Thomas Fordham Institute, and the Business Roundtable. Down with recess! Up with more test prep!
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
Arne Duncan is a Scorpio. Most habitual criminals, ad agency chiefs, and psychometricians, are Scorpios. So is Bill Gates. So is Al Sharpton.
Nobody recognizes the importance of Harvard connections as well you do, except maybe for those people who keep sending e-mail offers from Nigeria. Scorpios mistake jingoism for pedagogy and don’t hesitate to make pronouncements on topics they know nothing about. An unacknowledged fact is that Scorpios have figured out a way to score standardized tests in the shower. This is the subject of a new reality TV show coming in the Fall.
Standardisto addendum: With the Moon-Saturn conjunction in your 11th House of Groups, today is for teamwork. Assemble your team and tell them what to do. Carry a big stick.
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
Most people found cheating on standardized tests are Sagittariusi. Not surprisingly, most politicos are also Sagittariusi. The stars foresee a great deal of wealth and success in your future–when you leave government and go to work for the College Board crew. Werner Heisenberg was a Sagittarius and he said something anybody hoping for Race to the Top to succeed had better hide, “What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning.”
Standardisto addendum: The stars are aligned to make purchase of stock in a #2 pencil factory favorable.
Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
Like Betsy Devos and Michel de Nostradomus, a Capricorn, looked to the stars to predict the job skills needed by youth in the 21st century. Writing in 1555, among his 6,338 prophecies, Nostradomus predicted the ascendancy of Race to the Top. He also predicted Velveeta cheese product. Remember the golden rule of government service: The right connections mean the difference between success and failure. Keep Bill Gates’ phone number handy.
Standardisto addendum: Be assertive today. Despite rumors that are circulating, teachers in the faculty room aren’t really armed.
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
Be warned: The Mars factor means you are likely to say too much. You like projecting yourself as the trendsetter for the future, but eventually people, even the press, do catch on and stop confusing innovation with lying. Dick Cheney is an Aquarius. When teachers get unruly, remember that he knows a thing or two about keeping people in line.
Standardisto addendum: Remember who you carry water for. Hold fast to your belief that there are no life questions that data collection cannot solve.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
Don’t proclaim your love of the stars if the only constellation you can find is the big dipper. Friends can come and go, but financial opportunities are ready for those who embrace standardized testing. Dr. Seuss was a Pisces. Forget him. Not enough phonics.
Standardisto addendum: The stars indicate this is a good week to squash your enemies.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
Once the children stop crying, you’ll be given a chance to explain your side of the story. But remember, Aries usually does the wrong thing on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so maybe you’d better shut up. Keep those horns to yourself. Marcel Marceau, an Aries, had the right idea: Mum’s the word.
Standardisto addendum: The stars indicate that this is a good week to assert yourself. Don’t worry about ruffling a few feathers. They are only teachers.
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
You’ve figured out it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know why the teachers are angry. So try asking 1,042 brain surgeons. Just because you love conflict doesn’t mean you need an open bolt, blowback-operated submachine gun. Dr. Benjamin Spock was a Taurus. A dangerous radical, he told parents, “You know more than you think you do.’ At all costs, keep this under wraps. Your career depends upon silence here.
Standardisto addendum: Although the Moon is now in your 2nd house of DIBELS, don’t be petty enough to battle over small matters like recess. Just put your foot down and show them who’s boss.
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
As Mercury, your ruling planet, turns retrograde, remember, you are brooding entrepreneurship incarnate, ready for a fight. Competition is thy name. For those difficult days, keep fellow Gemini Eli Broad’s phone number handy. And remember to practice saying “pedagogical” so you get it right on the first try at the next media event.
Standardisto addendum: A string of glorious planetary aspects suggest that your hard work will pay off and you will gain a personal interview with Betsy Devos.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
So Cancers aren’t risk takers. Don’t feel bad that you’re just perfecting your resume for law school. All of your Teach for America training will come in handy this week when the 7th graders start a slam book. Although your stars are in ascendancy, maybe you should reconsider putting your “Harvard Taught Me to Love the Underprivileged” Power Point online until after you’ve been in the classroom for 90 days.
Standardisto addendum: You are sure to have all the facts today, so don’t hesitate about any brainstorm that pops up. Go for it!
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
Admittedly, trying to navigate your way by intellect will be difficult, but the first step is to try kissing the mirror less often. Arnold Schwarzennegger’s a Leo. So were Dolores Del Rio, Milton Friedman, and Jerry Garcia. Try reading a year’s worth of NY Times op eds on education for proof that you don’t need to know anything about teaching to make pronouncements.
This week, ACE, the Acronym Collaborative Ensemble, a group of 7,852 representatives from organizations who hope to find favor with the DeVos regime, presented its recommendations for identifying the various consistent and clear initiatives left over from their Gates Foundation funding and their positions of influence with Arne Duncan–so teachers and parents know what they need to do to help students learn to be productive workers in the Global Economy.
This initiative has been approved by the Council of Chief State School Officers (CCSSO), the National Governors Association Center for Best Practice, and Ivanka Trump. It awaits confirmation from the Department of Homeland Security and the World Bank.
ADAPT Auxiliary Daily Achievement Pre-K Triggerpoint
AMMO Amortized Measurement Mandate Ordinance
BURP Benchmarked Uninterrupted Rubrics Payload
BUZZ Blue-ribbon Upperclass Zealotry Zone
COBRA Curriculum Optimum Battery Ranking Assignment
CRISIS Cutting-edge Ritual Identity Septic Iteration System
DIVE DeVos Information-age Victims Execution
DRIVE Data Rubric Installation Virus Ergonomics
EPIC Evaluation Protective Interface Critique
EVIL Efficient Visualization Industrial Leverage
FILTH Formative Indentured Lost Teacher Hospice
FLAB Failsafe Liberation Achievement Benchmarks
GATES Godawful Arachibutyrophobia Target Eminence Suite
GROSS Global Rat-race Operative Size Survey
HURT Hegemonic Utilization Ruling Trajectory
ICK Imperial Checklist Kinetics
ILL Instrumental Litter Longitude
JOKE Jumpstart Operative Knee-jerk Eugenics
KAPUT Kill-zone Analytic Pyramid UHF Triad
KILL Knowledge-systems Intensity Left-brain Loopholes
LAME Literature Alignment Market-forces Enemies-list
LOST Leftover Operational Selective Team
MARCH Management Arc Rejuvenation of Hubris
MOB Mathematics Operational Blowback
NAH! National Assessment Humbug
NUTS Needs-driven Urban Testing Suite
OOPS Oscillating Optimal Publisher Scam
ONUS Out-turn Network Uptake Schema
PUKE Prescribed Upswing of Knuckle-under Evaluations
PUSH Pinpointing Universal Stakeholder Heuristics
QUAFF Quantitative Utilization of Assessment Freefall Fractals
QUIT Quadratic Upswing of Incessant Testing
ROT Ruling-Class Overthrow of Teachers
RUDE Rubrics-based Utilization of Detritus Equity
SAPP Sequential Assessment Protection Program
SOT Soluble Operationalized Testing
TIRED Taxonomic Impact Requisite Evaluation Download
TOXIC Testing Overview X-spot Information Collusion
UGLY Universal Game-plan Leveraged Yield
USED Urban Species Evaluation Dexterity
VIRUS Vector-borne Investment Reassignment Utility Setup
VICTIM Virtual Inert Consignment Taskforce Input Multiplex
WEARY Workplace Ergonomic Assessment Review Yield
WOE World-class Overview Efficiency
YAP Yearlong Assessment Paradigm
YAWN Year-end Assessment Whiplash Nodule
ZAP Zig-zag Assessment Pyramid
ZERO Zombie Evaluaton Routine Organizer