Homeland Security Teacher Threat Advisory X80b

Print[i], using a #2 pencil.  Submit copies to:

  • US Department of Education
  • Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation
  • National Governors Association Center for Best Practices
  • Editorial Department New York Times
  • ALEC
  • National Rifle Association

Last _______________
First _______________
Middle ____________
Alias _______________

___Not Lately

I. Filing status
a) Underachiever
b) Overachiever
c) Mainstreamed
d) Up the creek

II.  Career rung[ii]

  • Highly Qualified
  • Highly Strung
  • High on the Hog
  • High as a Kite
  • With Friends in High Places
  • On High Horse
  • Stinking to High Heaven
  • High Flyer
  • High
  • Left High and Dry

 III. Moving Violations Are Issued to Anyone Absent From:[iii] [iv]

  • Before School Test Prep
  • During School Test Prep
  • Lunch Duty Test Prep
  • After School Test Prep
  • Homework Test Prep
  • Saturday and nonreligious holiday Test Prep

  IV. Favorite Food Choice in Cafeteria

  • Freedom fries
  • Catsup as a vegetable
  • Pizza as a vegetable
  • Cauliflower as steak

 V. Professionalism, Pedagogy, and Other Poop Declarations

Select the profundity most closely resembling your teaching philosophy:

  • Keep the pedal to the metal
  • If first they don’t succeed, test them more often.
  • All work and no play makes Jack the perfect corporate drone.
  • A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
  • Don’t try to teach your grandmother to suck eggs.
  • The road to hell is paved by the same opportunists who wrote the Common Core Standards and their cousins who designed Facebook.
  • Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never trust your class to a Standardisto with A Plan.
  • A hug is worth a thousand mission statements.
  • Governments lie
  • You can’t write no music for a fife. You can’t print it. You got to do it.[v]

VI. How often did you DIBELS in public in 2018?[vi] [vii]

VII. Professional Development Contribution Checkoff

  • Betsy DeVos Grizzly Protection Fund
  • Thomas Friedman Hot Air Fund
  • Business Roundtable Sunshine Fund
  • Education Commission of the States Corporate Award whoopee cushion
  • National Alliance to Provide Safe Haven for Third Graders
  • Teacher Witness Protection Program[viii]

     VIII. Why did the chicken cross the road?
a) The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation  appointed a commission informing the chicken that crossing the road was a necessary competency for competing in the 21st century global economy.

b) The chicken’s native habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked corporate greed, breaking the Kyoto Accord, which the
U. S. refuses to sign.

c) To get away from DIBELS.

d)  Focusing on the chicken crossing reveals an unwillingness to face the challenges posed by our racist, bigoted, sexist global warming society.

IX. Zero Tolerance Declaration. Check all that apply.

          I duly swear, affirm, and genuflect before:

  • Business as usual
  • Taking care of business
  • Monkey Business
  • Minding my own business

_________________________ witness[ix]

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos Sweepstakes:

Enter your lucky 29-digit number here:________________ Your name will be automatically entered in the Betsy DeVos Sweepstakes.

Prize to determine at the next joint meeting of the National Alliance of Public Charter Schools and the Family Research Council.

Data Warehousing Truth in Lending[x] Declaration: From time to time the U. S. government will choose to share your personal information with campaign contributors who have a need to know, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Please sign here__________________ Custodian’s signature____________
(use cursive)

[i] No cursive.

[ii] Please attach Copy B of your lesson plans, bulletin board objectives, class picture. If you don’t have Copy B, why not?

[iii] (4) Attach Form 4216783, part B

[iv]  Anyone requesting absence from Recess Duty will be subject to an internal investigation from the U. S. Department of Education-ALEC Joint Commission on Making Sure Kids Don’t Slack Off.

[v]  Othar Turner said this in The New York Times, 11/08/01, and they print only the news that’s fit to print.

[vi] Information requested by Preventive Health Services Administration, Bureau of Epidemiology and Disease Control.

[vii] DIBELS Safe Network protects your most valuable assets. Does a registered DIBELS offender live next door? For $19.95 get access to information on access to information on more than 163,042 persons required to register in California as DIBELS offenders.

[viii] Subject to the Teacher Witness Protection Act, the Commissioner may determine whether a witness should be admitted to the Program and the type of protection to be provided to any protectee in the Program, subsequent to the approval of the Education Trust Board of Directors, Bill Gates, and the Mar-a-Lago waitstaff.

[ix] Have declaration witnessed, attested, affirmed, certified, and vouched for by a member of the Cour internationale de Justice.

[x] Title 15, Chapter 41, subchapter 1, part E